Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead

I'm firmly convinced that the Japanese have something deeply wrong with them psychologically...as a culture.  If you don't believe me, just take a look at some of the movies that they produce!  Just as an example, let's look at one in particular, it's called Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead.

Now, who wouldn't be interested in that, girls in bathing suits fighting zombies?!  It sounds perfect, but it is, in fact, one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen...and I've seen some weird crap!!!  Here's the story:

Young Aki is a new student in school, her only friend is Sayaka, a girl who thinks that Aki should join the school's swim team to make more friends.  One day, a van appears at school and it's vaccination day, after all, there's a "new virus" going around and we have to be inoculated, don't we?  Not long after the inoculations are given, everything goes crazy!  Teachers begin executing students, students begin eating each other and the only people unaffected are the girls swim team.  It seems that something in the water that keeps the swim team safe...so, it makes sense to dump water on the other zombies to either save or destroy them!  And that would be fine, but the teachers got a 'special' inoculation that makes them immune to the water too!!  So, the swim team must battle them or die.

Now, that might seem like a very simple movie, but if you're familiar with Japanese cinema at all, then you know that that's just the caramel center in the middle of a very strange confection.  First, Aki is, in fact, not what she seems, there's a mad scientist involved in the whole sordid affair and...let me just say this...vagina laser beam...yes, you read that right!

Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen, and, if you have the stomach, it's not a terrible movie.  There's zombies, there's sex, there's school girls...this is a horror perverts dream come true!!!!  I'm giving Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead 3 out of 4 cigars, it defies description and logic, but it's weird enough that you can't take your eyes off of it!

Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead

Night of the Dead

It seems that anyone who gets a camera for Christmas thinks that they should make a movie.  And, why is it that the movie that they all want to make is a zombie movie??  Does George Romero really make it look that easy?  Well, another in a long line of zombie movie entries is Night Of The Dead and it's...well, let's just face it, it's more of the same!

The story here is par for the course, a scientist is obsessed with bringing back the dead after the death of his wife and daughter, so he finds a way, but they come back with a hunger for human flesh!  Why is it that anytime the dead come back, they want to eat us?  Seriously, wouldn't zombies crave something that they missed in life, like sushi or pizza?!?!  Well, it isn't long before the dead are running loose and hunting down the living in the hospital it's all set in!

The only real difference here is the addition of the evil scientist's wife and daughter, his nephew and the nephew's pregnant wife.  When the nephew is bitten by a zombie, he has to fight off his hunger for human flesh and help his pregnant wife escape the clutches of the hungry dead!  Other than that, it's all zombie staples, death, reanimation, hunger for flesh...blah, blah, blah.

While, ordinarily, I enjoy a nice low budget movie, this one is a bit different.  Most of the time, you can sense the passion of the filmmaker in these kinds of films, the real enthusiasm DOES come across onto the screen, but in Night Of The Dead, it feels more like everyone is just going through the motions, the acting isn't great, the story is a complete retread and the only real stand out in the whole cast is the 8 year old daughter...who's only in about 3 scenes!

I'm giving Night Of The Dead 1 out of 4 cigars, and here's a bit of advice from a movie lover to all the filmmakers out there.  If you're going to do a zombie movie, try to find an original take on it, we've all seen the 'people trapped in a building, fighting a horde of zombies' movies, try to find an original way to get into the concept....please!

Night of the Dead

Jonah Hex...Some Spoilers Ahead!

Just got back from Jonah Hex and I have to say the terrible reviews it's getting aren't all warranted.  If you're going in looking for an Oscar worthy movie, then look elsewhere, but, if you're just looking for a fun popcorn movie, then you could do a lot worse!

If you're not familiar with Jonah Hex, he's a former Confederate soldier turned bounty hunter, and he's the best there is.  The movie gives us Hex's origin and then sets him after his arch-enemy, Quinten Turnbull.

Josh Brolin is good as Jonah Hex and John Malkovich is good as Turnbull...and let's all just agree that Megan Fox in ANY movie is just a mistake!  The real trouble with this movie is that it doesn't know what it wants to be.  It's not a real western because there's way too much supernatural, comic-booky stuff going on.  Hex's ability to 'talk to the dead' and the crow motif that seems to want to remind us of the movie The Crow.  And it's not true to the comic books, so the nerd nation will disavow this harder than The Punisher with John Travolta as the villain (another movie I liked by the way).  The origin of the Hex/Turnbull feud is respun to make Turnbull a warrior, where in the comics, he was always more of a western Kingpin.  And Hex himself looks WAY better than he ever did in the books.

The bottom line here is that if you can get past all that and think of this as an original story, it's not too bad.  It's not the Jonah Hex from the comic books, but it's still not a bad fantasy western...which is what Jonah Hex always was anyway.

I'm giving Jonah Hex 3 out of 4 cigars, and most of the one it lost is because of Megan Fox!

Superman Returns (Full Screen Edition)

In honor of DC's release of Jonah Hex this weekend (review posted asap on Saturday), I thought it would be cool to look at one of the worst super hero movies ever...that also had the best super hero scene in it...ever!  That's right, it's Superman Returns and it's horrible, except for one part!

On paper, this Brian Singer movie has all kinds of potential.  Echoing the classic Donner movies, and picking up the story where Superman 2 left off, was, in theory, a great idea.  However, Singer takes Superman and turns him into so mopey, whiny emo guy...and we all know that, while Superman's a huge boy scout, he's no wimp.  The basic story is that, after Superman regains his powers at the end of part 2, he left Earth to 'find himself', and how, 5 years later he's returned...hence the title!  He returns to find that Lois Lane has moved on with her life, she has a new boyfriend and a son and has even taken a stand against Superman!  This depresses Superman, who wants Lois to love him, but doesn't want to ruin her life...after all, he's Superman and he belongs to the world, not to one person.

The trouble with the story is that way too much time is spent on the drama between Lois and Clark and there's not nearly enough Superman stuff!!!  Superman should be fighting super villains, not pining after his sweetheart, that's a nice side story, but the main story needs to be conflict between hero and villain...are you listening DC??

Now, as bad as this movie is, and overall it's just the worst, the opening airplane sequence may be the best super hero sequence ever on film!!  As a newly revamped space shuttle is preparing to launch from the back of a modified 747, something goes wrong and the plane won't detach before orbital launch, endangering the reporters who are along for the story on the 747...with Lois Lane among them, natch!

When mild mannered Clark Kent sees the breaking news story on TV, he immediately launches into action as Superman, starting the greatest Superman sequence EVER!!!  Superman flies into orbit, lifts the shuttle into space and then still manages to save the plane before it crashes to earth!

This is the perfect super hero sequence, from the beginning when mission control identifies a 'bogey moving in...fast', through the use of Superman's heat vision, right through the rescue of the plane and the cheering crowds (including 2 Jimmy Olsens hugging each other), this is the perfect super hero sequence EVER.  And, if you don't believe me, then rent this movie, watch the airplane sequence and then walk away, don't let the rest of this movie ruin this amazing scene!

There are two rating for Superman Returns, 2 out of 4 for the movie, 4 out of 4 for the airplane sequence!  That's right, I can't tell you how many times I've watched that scene, if I see Superman Returns on cable, I'll set it into the DVR, just to watch the airplane sequence!  In fact, I watched it twice this morning before I came to work...it's just that damned good, from the originality of the sequence right through to the echoes of the helicopter rescue in the first Superman movie, it's just a perfect scene, and it makes the rental price totally worth it!

Superman Returns (Two-Disc Special Edition)

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I'll admit right up front, I wasn't a big fan of the animated G.I. Joe series.  I'm a bit older than that, the G.I. Joe I knew was 12 inches tall and had 'life like' hair and 'kung fu grip', so all this 'Yo Joe' stuff is a bit lost on me, but I still heard good things about the movie G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, so I wanted to check it out...and I got exactly what I expected.

This is really the story of the forming of the 'core team' of 'Joes', Duke, Ripcord, Scarlet, Heavy Duty and Snake Eyes....and, if you're as old as I am, then you're going to vaguely remember some of those guys.  Well, after we're introduced to everyone, we meet Cobra, who's also just forming.  Cobra has developed nano technology that will 'eat' metal and plans to destroy several cities to gain power, and it's up to the Joes to stop them!  And, that's your basic story, lots of cgi explosions and stuff, but that's about it.

If you're going into a movie about G.I. Joe expecting Oscar calibar performances and story, then you probably shouldn't be watching movies, they'll just confuse you.  But if, like me, you said, I feel like watching some crap blow up, a few kung fu fights and a mindless movie, then you're in for a treat, because as mindless action goes, this one is pretty good!

I'm giving G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra 3 1/2 out of 4 cigars, it's not perfect, but it's pretty entertaining!

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

The Stepfather

Step-Parents seem to get a bad rap in horror movies, they're always evil!  Is there no such thing as a nice step-parent??  What about Mr. Brady, I'm beginning to wonder what he was doing there in his study while at that drawing board!  What sort of evil plans was he really drawing up?  Makes you think, don't it?  Well, the new remake of The Stepfather, might just answer that question.

Basically, The Stepfather is about a serial killer, or more specifically, what the FBI refers to as a 'family annihilator', someone who doesn't just kill one person, they wipe out the whole damned family!  Well, meet David Harris, a guy so normal that it's...well, abnormal!  We meet David when he's leaving his house for the last time, leaving his family behind...after he's killed them!  So, we're pretty sure what's going on with David right from the start.

David moves to Portland where he 'happens to run into' Susan, a divorcee with 3 kids, David immediately begins ingratiating himself to her and the kids...I think we can all see where this is going, can't we?  Well, when Susan's oldest son (a teenager who's at least 28!) moves back home from military school (showing us that he's a non-conformist and isn't afraid to challenge authority), he begins to suspect that something's just not right with David..or maybe that's, somethings is just too right with David to be normal.

So, we enter a battle of wills between step-son and psychotic step-father, and guess who has the upper hand?  In the end, we're left with a movie that barely offers any tension, let alone scares!  This is just more of the same PG-13 horror that's aimed at the 'Twilight' crowd, there's no horror here among the horror, unless you're 10 years old, then you might be scared...for a minute!

I'm giving The Stepfather 1 out of 4 cigars, it's not scary, it offers no surprises or tension in any way and is just one more example of why I really shouldn't rent horror movies that are rated PG-13!  Hey, tweens, stick with the Twilight vampires and you'll get to enjoy horror when you turn 18...it's something for you to look forward to!  Save yourself some money and rent the original The Stepfather starring Terry O'Quinn instead, it's grittier, more scary and just a better movie!

The Stepfather

Sheitan

Have you ever watched a movie, only to sit there at the end and wonder what the hell you just saw??  Well, if you enjoy that feeling, then you're going to like the French movie, Sheitan!

The story here is about a group of kids who are out at the club on night.  When one of them gets into a fight, they all decide to go to the farm house of the hot chick that they met at the club for the weekend.  Rule #1 of these movies is always, 'don't go home with strangers, no matter how hot they are', so we already know that we're in trouble!  When they arrive at the farm house, it is (of course) in the middle of nowhere, and the farmhand is a very strange guy (played by Vincent Cassel).  Rule #2 of these movies is always, 'if the farm hand seems weird, he's probably going to kill and eat you later...you should run!', but, again, no one listens and we're soon heading to town to swim in the local hot springs with the hot chick and her weird friend!

In town, it become apparent that something is really very wrong with things, everyone seems to be a bit...how do I say this...inbred?!  It's like that Deliverance kid brought his whole damned family to Europe and reproduced!!!  Which leads me to Rule #3 'if the town is filled with hillbillies or mongoloids, you should just pack up and run.'  With rule #3 broken, things begin getting stranger and stranger.  Our farmhand friend alternates between way too friendly and openly hostile, and everyone in town seems more than slightly strange!  And, there's a pregnant woman in the farm house that's apparently the farm hand's wife, and she seems just as weird as everyone else in this damned town!!!

The bottom line is that it seems that our farm tending friend is a Satan worshipper (Sheitan is French for Satan), and he's planning something particularly nasty for one of our partying friends...and when it happens, it's pretty nasty, let me tell you!

If you're in the mood for some horror that's as much psychological as it is visceral, then Sheitan is for you.  But be prepared, it's French so you'll have to read subtitles (some people hate those), and the ending will send a chill down your spine...unless your family is somewhat inbred or mongoloid...in which case, both condolences and enjoy the film!

I'm giving Sheitan 3 out of 4 cigars, I wish more were explained more plainly, it's like Lost for horror movies, but there's enough here to make you want to steer clear of both lonely farm houses and towns filled with mongoloids!

Sheitan